Regardless of when this actually gets posted or the date it says, I'm writing this on September 21st. So, I guess it's kind of funny I started The Autocracy of Mr Parham today, huh? I like it so far, actually. More than Invisible Man and his short stories I've read, definitely. There are some pretty funny names of a Dickens manner in here too, Emma. Oh, and before I forget: Google made a cool little tribute to him on their logo. Of course, by the time I post this it will be long gone, but I'm sure there's some facet of Google dedicated to archiving these. (What a cool job drawing those tribute headers would be, huh?) Either way, even though it only kind of sort of spells Google, I'd say it's a good rendition of War of the Worlds. Would HG Wells be pleased? Well, I don't know, he looked like a pretty stuffy old guy. (He looks suspiciously similar to my seventh-grade math teacher... Did HG Wells enjoy making young girls cry?) He probably wouldn't approve of the Internet either, same reasons as Michael Crichton's. Oh, I bet they'd be BFFs! Aw, now I'm sad... Fun Fact!: Did you know War of the Worlds inspired Independence Day, one of my least favorite movies of all time? Well, so the story goes.
Oh, and Michael Crichton is releasing a new book? But he's dead? Well, okay guys. And Jonathan Safran Foer's new book is set to come out 11/2/09! Just in time for my birthday! It's called... Easting Animals. Huh. And apparently his wife writes books, too. (Wait--he's married!? Man!) I wonder if she's actually well-known, or it's like how Stephen King's wife writes books... (I have seen a book of hers once. One book, well, more than once, but always at the same library, so...) Maybe she's a good author, but it's going to take more than one book always there to convince me. And just compared to her husband in general... Aw, now I feel like a jerk. Sorry Tabitha!
Stephen King wrote his 9,000th book ever. After Cell, I'm a little tentative.
Anyway, on with the show! (The Iliad by Homer)
Achilles calls someone a "dog-face".
"...If I don't get my hands on you, strip you of your clothes--the cloak and tunic that cover your genitals..." Thank you for inserting an explanation of what clothes are and what they do in between threatening to beat a man down and send him in exile to a ship. Actually, I'm glad. Totally forgot what clothes do. And what they are. Homer, you're a life saver.
Oh, I thought one was funny because of how stupid a character is: he goes into battle wearing golden armor, aka wearing one of the softest metals ever. Pounded flat or at least somewhat thinly, you can literally bite into it and bend it, or leave teeth marks. No lie. Idiot Amphimachus.
"'Paris, you parody, with your wonderful looks, you sex-crazed seducer, you should never have been born, or married. How I wish that were the case!'" Man, talk about a burn--he just keeps on throwing those insults at Paris, who, quite honestly, deserves it. He started this war, because he was being quite the "sex-crazed seducer". (There's no way in hell that's the original Greek...) Anyways, Paris got served like Thanksgiving dinner.
Aw, it seems I lost the page, but there's a scene where Zeus tells Aphrodite that women aren't good in war and the only thing they are suitable to command is the bed. I don't know about you guys, but I laughed till Sprite came out of my nose. Oh wait, I'm supposed to look mature and educated, aren't I? Son of a--
"'...the god Hades, famed for his horses.'" Or, you know, that whole 'god of the dead' thing. Oh, oh, and the whole 'being James K Woods' thing!
"Aphrodite daughter of Zeus replied..." SHE'S NOT ZEUS'S DAUGHTER. She was born of... Uh. I don't feel comfortable regaling this one for you. Just look it up yourself... God, the Greeks were weird... HELEN'S FATHER WAS A SWAN. I don't think the Greeks quite had the model society we picture. Ever.
"'Achilles, I shall be extremely angry if do as you suggest.'" You totally put the fear into him, I bet. 'Oh no, I'm a hardened warrior, but this guy who talks like my mother is totally putting the fear into me right now. He's gonna be pissed. He might even put me in time-out. Doot doot doot on my BlackBerry. I'm so tweeting about this.' (Wha... where did that go?)
"'The loser will receive this two-handled cup.'" I can just see them now: "Two handles!? One is functional, but two!? By Zeus, someone must have knocked the sculptor's hat off!"
I hope you enjoyed this, Emma! When I finish my essay for Marky Mark I'll do Everything is Illuminated. AKA, never. Sorry.
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