Hey, what's up? I've been kind of busy because of Fab Fables (hate hate hate death hate) but rehearsal is delayed until nine tonight which I guess is a sort of mixed blessing. Let's see... how has life been...? Well, my question mark key has been acting weird. My World Religions teacher thinks it's totally awesome that I read Jack Kerouac and Kurt Vonnegut... My writing teacher has a man-crush on Jeff Goldblum... So... Yeah. That's not really it, but I might as well cut to the chase.
Pretty straightforward. Pride and Prejudice and Zombies is just that. It's written in the same language, details are changed though the plot stays essentially the same. For reals. If Jane Austen had written the book with zombies and a knowledge of double entendres, it would be this. It's actually pretty perfect. I mean, the ninjas employed by Mr Darcy's aunt are a little much, but...
Okay, let's be honest here, because of the overwhelming fact that this is Pride and Prejudice except with zombies I'm going to be lazy and not include a summary. In fact, it's really only going to be the 'best-of' quotes from the book. Okay. So good times?
So first of all, I liked the author information on the back: "JANE AUSTEN is the author of Sense and Sensibility, Persuasion, Mansfield Park, and other masterpieces of English literature. SETH GRAHAME-SMITH once took a class in English literature. He lives in Los Angeles."
"It is a truth universally acknowledged that a zombie in possession of brains must be in want of more brains. Never was the truth more plain than during the recent attacks at Netherfield Park, in which in which a household of eighteen was slaughtered and consumed by a horde of the living dead" (7).
"The business of Mr. Bennett's life was to keep his daughters alive. The business of Mrs. Bennett's was to get them married" (9).
Oh, oh! You know the part when Mr Darcy first turns Elizabeth down? Elizabeth, instead of being all, "What a jerkface", goes to pull a stiletto off her ankle and kill him, but zombies attack before he can. And when she refuses his proposal later on? She refuses it by kicking him into the mantle in this. Awesome.
And you know how pretty much all ladies had to do for hobbies was play piano and sing and stuff? Here's a song: "When once the earth was still and dead were silent, And London-town was for but living men, Came the plague upon us swift and violent, And so our dearest England we defend" (41).
"'How pleasant it is to spend an evening this way! I declare after all there is no enjoyment like reading!' 'Spoken like one who has never known ecstasy of holding a still-beating heart in her hand,' said Darcy" (44). Might I mention that they're all zombie fighters, including the five Bennett daughters?
"She landed on her feet beside one of the horses, and with her sword, began cutting down the attackers with all the grace of Aphrodite, and all the ruthlessness of Herod" (117). A little much, but okay, I guess I can appreciate the ridiculousness of it.
So Charlotte is infected, but she wants to marry before she dies. In this book, it takes months for the disease to come to full fruition, but oh when it does! ...Sorry, that was kind of lame... But, anyways, Charlotte is slowly decaying--at this point her humanity is leaving, though she can still speak and function (for the most part) as an ordinary human being: "Apparently overcome with excitement, Charlotte dropped to the ground and began stuffing handfuls of crisp autumn leaves in her mouth" (122).
"She could not think of Darcy without remembering his cousin; for agreeable as he was, Colonel Fitzwilliam was also the one man who could assign the guilt of Darcy's slaying to Elizabeth. He would have to be dispensed with as well" (148).
"That she should receive an offer of marriage from Mr. Darcy! That she should fail to kill him when her honor demanded it!" (154).
"She remembered the lead ammunition in her pocket and offered it to him. 'Your balls, Mr. Darcy?' He reached out and closed her hand around them, and offered, 'They belong to you, Miss Bennet.' Upon this, their colour changed, and they were forced to look away from one another, lest they laugh" (205). Remember, they used musket balls back then. Also, good times with jokes that Jane Austen would never, ever understand?
"For the more she dwelled on the subject, the more powerful she felt; not for her mastery of the deadly arts, but her power over the heart of another. What a power it was! But how to wield it? Of all the weapons she had commanded, Elizabeth knew the least of love; and of all the weapons in the world, love was the most dangerous" (213).
So... yeah, that's really it. I mean, the story proceeds pretty much as usual, except with zombies and ninjas. And quite frankly, who didn't think that Mr Darcy's aunt didn't own ninjas anyways?
Also, fun fact: the editor missed an inordinate amount of spelling errors regarding Elizabeth's family name--it fluctuates through the entire book between Bennett and Bennet.
OhhhHmm... Suddenly I started thinking of Colin Firth, but I don't know why.
Austen, Jane and Grahame-Smith, Seth. Pride and Prejudice and Zombies. Quirk Productions: Canada, 2009.
Answer to last post's cryptic song lyrics: Time Warp from The Rocky Horror Picture Show
This post's cryptic song lyrics: All we want to do is eat your brains, we're not unreasonable, I mean no-one's gonna eat your eyes...
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