The Bible: Genesis, Exodus, and Leviticus

Bet you weren't expecting the next post this fast!  Anyways, here we are, first three books of the Bible.  Still not clear on the italicizing thing, but I feel like everybody will know what I'm writing about and I won't have to worry about getting sued... So, I feel like I should give some background here--I have read the Bible before, though it was sort of the in-between version.  What I mean is, in between The Beginner's Bible and the legit (?) Holy Bible, which is the "new revised standard edition".  Like when you get kid's versions of classic books but there are still more words than pictures.  (Not that there's anything wrong with The Beginner's Bible.  I can honestly say that even in just these three books there's a lot I wouldn't have understood without having read that about a million times when I was a kid.  I mean, the story of Esau?  What the hell is going on, seriously?)  But that was a while ago, and now I'm braving what is considered to be one of the most important literary works in existence.  So let's go into dangerous waters, then!

So obviously the book we're starting out with is Genesis (how does one treat books of the Bible?).
First of all, here's this: "Then God said, 'Let us make humankind in our image, according to our likeness; and let them have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the birds of the air, and over the cattle, and over all the wild animals of the earth, and over every creeping thing that creeps upon the earth'" Genesis 1:26.  (I'm going to do my best with the citing, too.) I just think it's interesting that God pluralized Himself.  I mean, if this wasn't the old testament, I'd say it works into the whole 'Father, son and holy ghost' thing, we're all three that are different, but still the same...
An interesting note is that there is a second account of the seven days that mentions how there are four rivers that branch off of the main river that comes from Eden, two of which are the Tigris and the Euphrates.  Just thought it was interesting to mention because it makes sense that these two rivers would be given this credit--some of the earliest major civilizations rose up around the rivers because of how fertile the area was, and undoubtedly still is.  So... that's cool....
Fun fact: Adam and Eve aren't given names until after they are cast out--Adam names her.  Actually, Adam isn't named at all.  He is never once referred to by that name (apparently in Hebrew, Adam is just a generic word meaning 'mankind'....)
Well, let's see.  The purpose of all mythology is really to explain nature and things we can't control, right?  Not to be rude, but this would be a sort of mythology too.  It's explaining the world's creation, where why who what when where, et cetera... The origin of man, the origin of traditions, and so on... In this case, when God reprimands Eve, we learn why childbirth hurts, yet still Eve would desire her husband despite that pain.  Adam  learns that he must work to live from henceforth.  Again, just thought it was worth throwing that out there...
So, we'll skip a little to the end of the story of Noah.  Noah is pretty happy that the flood has ended, obviously, and he builds an altar and sacrifices to God.  God is pleased and reacts as follows: "And when the Lord smelled the pleasing odor, the Lord said in his heart, 'I will never again curse the ground because of humankind, for the inclination of the human heart is evil from youth'" Genesis 8:21.  This kind of bothers me.  Okay, believe that if you like, and I know there are people that do.  But for the creator of the being to think that!?  I do not like that, not one bit.  I mean, I guess you could say people started out good, but of course that lasted up to the temptation of Eve... And I guess to make people villainous from the start would be a good way to see who is worth saving (the people who would work to overcome their inherent villainous nature)... But still, I feel like that should have been done a little better.  Just saying.
And later on there's the story of Abraham.  Abraham, as you may or may know, was commanded by God to sacrifice his son Isaac.  The way I've heard it is that Abraham so loved God and wanted to honour him and not displease him that he goes to do it.  This Bible cuts out all of that and just gives it to us straight: he goes to sacrifice his son out fear of God.  (Which pleases God.)
And these first few books are repetitive as hell.  In Genesis alone--only on page 21, mind you--we repeat this scenario where a man goes into Egypt with his beautiful wife and says she's his sister for fear that they'll kill him (so they can get to her).  And when we get to Exodus?  I don't know what leaven versus unleavened bread is exactly, but if I ever hear about it again, heads are going to roll.  I am so annoyed that I am purposely not looking up these things out of spite!  (I think it means that there's no yeast in it.)
Oh, and Joseph and his amazing technicolour dreamcoat?  How about a "long robe with sleeves" Genesis 37:3?  I feel like that's a misconstrued translation for the better.  I guess I'd be jealous enough to beat someone up for their amazing technicolour dreamcoat?)
...Well, that's all I've got for Genesis, looks like.

...So now onto Exodus!  I daresay it's one of the best-known books of the Bible, it's the story of Moses!  Moses's beginnings through the first tabernacle erection, at least.  It looks like everything pertaining Moses goes through to Deuteronomy...
First of all, Zipporah's (Moses's wife) father is named Reuel.  This made me chuckle, as there is a certain author whose second middle name is this....
The first thing that really interested me were the plagues.  There are several involving bugs (gnats, flies, and locusts) that seem to get melded into one.  I thought that it was just locusts that also attacked people?  I'm no expert on locusts... But, one of these various bug plagues aren't translated correctly.  In the original Hebrew, one plague of bugs are actually scarab beetles.  So what, you may ask.  Scarab beetles (dung beetles) were actually sacred creatures to the Egyptians.  The plague of the beetles literally covered everything in them.  The people wouldn't have been able to walk without squashing a few and thus insulting their gods and humiliating them.  Way to kick them when they're down, I guess.  God is actually pretty cruel during all of this.  I mean, I never thought the plagues were nice, good acts, but from this perspective, I never really realized how flat-out cruel they were (except for that first-born son thing.  That's pretty darned bad no matter how/when you learn about it).
What I mean is, thanks to however you've learned the story of Moses, it's always the Pharaoh who acted stubborn, right?  He just wouldn't believe, while you're reading/watching and you're just like, Ramses, is your real name Tommy?  (Tommy 'Ramses II' Pharaoh?)  Are you seriously not aware of what is going on here and figuring out the cause-and-effects?  Well, for plagues 1-5, the Pharaoh "hardens" his heart.  However, come plague six, the sentence structure changes a bit: "But the Lord hardened the heart of Pharaoh, and he would not listen to them" Exodus 9:12.  Wait wait wait, WHAT?  "Then the Lord said to Moses, 'Go to Pharaoh; for I have hardened his heart and the heart of his officials, in order that I may show these signs of mine among them, and that you may tell your children and grandchildren how I have made fools of the Egyptians and what signs I have done among them--so that you may know that I am the Lord'" Exodus 10:1-2.  Uh, okay.  I get the fact that He'd be trying to punish the Egyptians.  The way I've always pictured it is He was retaliating for the fact that Ramses was continually being a jerk and super indecisive.  But this seems excessive.  A point is trying to be proved, yes, and I guess we have to remember that God--Yahweh--is still an 'ancient' God at this point, but wow.  That's really kicking them while they're down.  Kicking them while they're down about ten or eleven times.  Almost to the point of making me uncomfortable...
Speaking of uncomfortable, a few chapters (chapters?) later: "'I will harden Pharaoh's heart and he will pursue them, so that I will gain glory for myself over Pharaoh and all his army, and the Egyptians shall know that I am the Lord'" Exodus 14:4.  Um... No?  I get that being God, He'd like other people to acknowledge that fact--but that stills seems like a lot.  "Gain glory"?  Sounds suspiciously similar to a certain character of Paradise Lost... Maybe God just has sharing issues and too huge an ego, and that's why Satan was punished... Or He didn't like the fact that He saw that aspect of himself in Satan still (though it would make sense)... I think I just made theology into a soap opera.  Uhhh, sorry about this.
Oh, funny story, never realized this, but you know passover?  It's to celebrate that the plagues passed over Moses's people.  I feel stupid for never making that connection... Though to be completely fair, I was never aware that that was where it came from.  Or... I didn't think I was aware?  (If I was, I feel like it was a Sunday school sort of thing, and it's been a looooong time since I've darkened the doorway of a Sunday school room...)
"'For I the Lord your God am a jealous God'" Exodus 20:5.  Well, at least He knows it.
Oh, and the ten commandments--turns out some of them are a lot longer than a sentence or two.  For example, "honour thy father and mother..." goes on to say why exactly you should do this: "so that your days may be long in the land that the Lord your God is giving you" Exodus 20:12.  This kind of intrigues me.  Is it implying that if you do that, so shall you be honoured by your children, thus you will live long because they will care for you as you have cared for your parents, and so on?  Also, "Thou shalt not covet thy neighbour's wife"?  "You shall not covet your neighbor's house; you shall not covet your neighbor's wife, or male or female, or ox, or donkey, or anything that belongs to your neighbor" Exodus 20:17.
Exodus ends in a lot of laws, and the norms continue into Leviticus.  However, a lot of these laws are pretty damned harsh.  Eye for an eye, tooth for a tooth, hand for a hand, et cetera--fine, I can accept those wholeheartedly, believe it or not.  But to be put to death for cursing your parents!? (Imagine how many teenagers we would have to kill!) And then there's laws concerning slaves: interesting, because like I said, the basic law appears to be an eye for an eye, tooth for a tooth, and so on.  But with slaves, if you damage their eye(s) or knock out a tooth, they just get set free to compensate.  Why?  Well, they're still a lower order so even the law is modified for them.  They can't strike back because technically, they're still below their masters (they haven't been set free till their master sets them free)--well, they could strike back, but they'd be put to death, most likely.  Or hurt again.  And since they're slaves they can't be avenged...
One law that's randomly thrown in and gets randomly repeated a few times is "You shall not permit a female sorcerer to live" Exodus 22:18.  I apologize, it made me chuckle every time I read it.  (Though you should keep it in mind, it'll be important in a later book....)
Bestiality is also one of the sins that you can be put to death for.  Now trust me, I'm not going to defend that.  But if you'll recall, in Chuck Palahniuk's Rant, there is a rabies epidemic thanks to Rant.  There's a section where they discuss what a problem rabies must have been in the early days--and that's why bestiality was banned really, simply to prevent the disease from spreading, no more, no less.  Which is an interesting thing to keep in mind when you read some of the laws, especially regarding that which you can and cannot eat.  For example, if you come across something mangled in the field, leave it for the dogs.  This seems fairly logical nowadays, but I feel like there was a point in human history where someone would see it and say "FOOD!" and just eat it, and invariably got incredibly sick and most likely died thanks to what had already found the rotting meat.  So there we go, the law was a convenient prevention method.  Other things too--shellfish is not kosher because it does not have fins or scales and it resides in the water.  Well, why?  I'd imagine because even if you miscook shellfish even a little, you're bound to get violently ill.  Hell, there are certain parts of lobster that can kill you if you eat enough of it.  Plus, trying to figure out the edible parts?  It's a mess.  Of course, the most famous food to be avoided is pork, but that... trichinosis?  The fact that pigs are gross?  The Hebrews had really weak stomachs and couldn't handle pork?  I've got nothing, but I'm down with considering pork 'unclean'.
"You shall not wrong or oppress a resident alien, for you were aliens in the land of Egypt" Exodus 22:21.  This is my favourite of the laws of restitution.
The second to last law of restitution is that all first-born males are given to God.  As I said earlier, God was still an 'ancient' god at this point, so human sacrifice was completely natural and accepted--though I find it strange because the Canaanites who sacrifice their children to Molech (insatiable devourer of brains and imagination) are abused for it.  Maybe God just isn't pleased that their babies aren't being sacrificed in His name?
"You shall not pervert the justice due to your poor in their lawsuits.  Keep far from a false charge, and do not kill the innocent and those in the right, for I will not acquit the guilty.  You shall take no bribe, for a bribe blinds the officials, and subverts the cause of those who are in the right" Exodus 23:6-8.
Ah, and one thing that bothers me are the Sabbath regulations.  Now, I know I've got to keep in mind that there's a LOT of time in between Moses and Jesus--a lot of things changed, indubitably, but man.  In the book of Exodus, you get put to death for doing any work on the Sabbath.  You're not even allowed to kindle a fire.  In one of the books of the new testament (won't know which one it is till I get there, but I remember the pictures of the story from The Beginner's Bible pretty well), a man (possibly one of the disciples) is doing work and a city official gets mad and says that he must be put to death/punished harshly.  Jesus steps up and says something like, "Well, you did work today too, didn't you?"  And the city official gets mad, denies it.  Jesus asks him if he walked his donkey to the water hole/trough today.  The official did of course, and Jesus said, "Well now, isn't that work?" And of course, it was.  So... yeah, the death thing seems like a little much.  Of course, this parable could have been written in an effort to change it purposely because people realized how impossible it was to follow that order of absolutely no work on the sabbath.
The rest of this book is pretty much how to construct a tabernacle, altar, how a priest should dress, et cetera.

Next up is the book of Leviticus!  It's quite possibly the best-named book of the Bible.  Seriously, I'd name a kid that.  Or a chameleon!  Or one of those lizards that get up on their hind legs and run across the water with those big flaps?  Those look like Leviticuses.  ....Um.  Leviticus is more of an outline of acceptable offerings and sacrifices, rites, purification laws, penalties and festivals.  That said, I've not much to say about this chapter.
Eating blood is prohibited!  I did not know that that was actually in the Bible.  I figured eating blood was just a more because, well, it's gross.  But okay.  (It also adversely affects health.  Too much and your stomach ruptures.  Good times?)  It actually kind of makes Dracula and other earlier vampire tales much more interesting.  I mean, you figure he/they are damned because they traded their soul away, or because again, that sort of thing is just plain gross.  Nope, drinking blood actually renders you "unclean" and you're actually sinning against God to do so.  So it's just the icing on the cake to the expulsion of your soul, I guess.  You're already damned, so why not?  (By the way, Dracula's famous saying--"the blood is the life"--actually comes from this chapter of the Bible.  It's Leviticus 17:14.)
There's also all the taboos about incest and any other sexual relation that gets you in trouble still nowadays that are discussed.  Might I mention that both of the famous anti-gay quotes from the Bible occur in this chapter: "You shall not lie with a male as with a woman; it is an abomination" Leviticus 18:22.  "If a man lies with a male as with a woman, both of them have committed an abomination; they shall be put to death; their blood is upon them" Leviticus 20:13.  These quotes are preceded with God warning the people not to do as they do in Egypt or Canaan... Naturally I'm skeptical in this case, and I'm willing to say that this was a bit of human intervention in the text.  Somebody got grossed out by homosexuality and decided it was not okay (all the fleshpots of Egypt, you know)... I feel like  I should mention that everybody (else) slept with men for pretty much all of what we'd call the ancient days.  Greeks--Spartans, especially--and Romans are the ones that at least everyone knows.  I also feel that I should say that I have no problem with homosexuality (wait, there's nothing about women, is there?), I just thought it was worth mentioning.  Those two simple quotes are why homosexuality is looked down upon.
It is also said that anyone who provides the Canaanites with sacrifices to Molech shall be punished by death and deserted by God--anyone who turns to follow Molech will effectively cut their whole family off from God.  Hm... That name sounds and looks suspiciously familiar... (I hear his love is endless oil and stone and his mind is pure machinery.)

MLA citation information: Holy Bible: New Revised Standard Edition.  American Bible Society: New York, 1989.


Ooookay!  There we go, first three books of the Bible.  So far... Well, Genesis is kind of boring.  Exodus gets better, and Leviticus is thus far the most interesting.  So hopefully it will continue to improve!  The books actually read more like a summary of epics rather than actual in-depth epics, it's almost a little disappointing.  It's kind of like reading Sparknotes as opposed to the real text, except this is the real text... (I wonder what the actual Sparknotes for it looks like.)  So, we'll see where it goes from here.  I am rather intrigued.  Hope I didn't offend anybody.

Answer to last post's cryptic song lyrics for Emma: So Hi So Lo by Matisyahu  (That's how it's spelled on the album, so I'm going to stick with that)
This post's cryptic song lyrics for Emma: Who shot that arrow in your throat, who missed that crimson apple? It hung heavy in the tree above your head.  This chaos, this calamity, this garden once was perfect--Give your immortality to me; I'll set you up against the stars